Back in the late eighties, I did a server stint at a Scottsdale seafood restaurant. Just a few days into learning the ropes, my corporate trainer and I waited on a Ken and Barbie couple. The guy's look was right out of Miami Vice, down to the soft pastel T-shirt and the ivory sport jacket. The girl, on the other hand, could've been Tawny Kitaen's video stunt double. Suffice it say, the star of her fashion show was a studded, patent leather bustier.
I thought I was distracted. When my trainer took the order, it was his libido that stole the show.
As part of the meal deal, guests at restaurant XXX were given a choice of either rice or baked potato. Instead of focusing on the order at hand, my fearless leader was obviously ogling the girl's goods.
"I'll have baked potato, butter only," I remember the guy blurting out, forgetting his ladies-first manners.
"And for the lady?" Fearless Leader leaned in, presumably listening hard.
"I'll have the same." Tawny II cooed.
"And would you care for sour cream, butter, or chives on your tits?"
What he said only occured to him the instant after he said it. There was silence for maybe a moment. Fearless leader looked at me. I looked at him.
"Excuse me, asshole?" Ken stood up.
"Sir, I apologize, I don't know what to say." Certainly, if I were ever to ask a bombshell what toppings she might like me to spoon on her boobs in front of her boyfriend, fearless leader was offering me a crash course in how to handle the consequences.
"Sir, if you'll pardon me, I'll get my manager." Fearless Leader had figured out his exit strategy. He handed me his order pad, walked away from the table, turned down the hallway in the opposite direction of the manager's station, and walked out the front door.
"Give me just a minute, sir, I'm new here," I scrambled to recover. "Ive got a feeling Rod (Fearless leader's actual name, believe it or not) won't be back, and you obviously need to talk to somebody."
I learned two things that night, thanks to two things. One, that we men do tend to think with, well, something other than our brains in certain situations. Secondly, I learned the value of looking folks straight in the eye when there's something to discuss.
"You handled the situation about as well as could be expected," my manager complimented me after my shift.
"Shucks, it was nipples, er, nothing I mean!" I answered back, in an instant of comedic inspiration.
True story.
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